I saw this posted on Pinterest a couple nights ago, and as I read through the list I kept going back and forth between, "Wow, that's great!" and "What?!? That's terrible advice!" Because I was reading the article at 3 a.m. with a fussy, teething baby in my arms, I figured it was wise to get a second opinion before spouting off for all the world to read on my blog. (Not that I think "all the world" is reading my blog- but people I know and respect drop by from time to time and I'd hate to make an idiot of myself.) So I sent the link to a wise lady that has been a mentor of sorts for me this past year. She and her husband have been married 50 years and they speak at couples' retreats regularly, so I think she's qualified to judge this list.
I'll copy the list items one at a time directly from the source, with only some edits for offensive language. Their list will be in red, with my responses in black. Please feel free to let me know what you think in the comments section on the blog or Facebook!
1. Go to bed mad.
The old maxim that you shouldn’t go to bed mad is stupid. Sometimes you need to just go to freakin’ bed. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” is prefaced in the Bible by the phrase “Be angry and sin not.” So, who’s to say it doesn’t mean “Stay angry, -------. Don’t let the sun go down on that awesome fierce wrath of yours.” Seriously. Whoever interpreted this to mean that you should stay up after midnight, tear-stained and petulant, trying to iron out some kind of overtired and breathy accord -- was stupid. Shut up, go to bed, let your husband get some sleep. In the morning, eat some pancakes. Everything will seem better, I swear.
1. This one is one that I didn't completely agree with- especially with the poor attempt at using Scripture. You should always try to get things dealt with and get rid of the anger as soon as you can. That being said, it's not always something that needs to be rehashed and dragged out until you're exhausted. Women do tend to want to talk too much and men tend to need space- especially after an argument.
2. Laugh if you can.
In any fight, there is one person who is really mad, and one person who isn’t that mad. That person should deflect the fight. Make a joke, do something stupid or corny, make the other person laugh. If the fight is very serious for you and you feel like you really want to plant your flag and die on this hill, fine. Do it. But if you’re fighting for entertainment, or because you’re just reacting, then you be the one to deflect. Fights are bad. Deflecting a fight whenever possible is a good idea. When you’re the one who’s being ----- and raw, and the other person helps you get out of it and brings about peace, that feels fantastic. This was a hard lesson to learn, for me. Letting Dan deflect a fight is the best thing, now. He does it really well.
2. This doesn't always work, especially if someone is really mad and making a joke will only fan the flame, but I've experienced this often with my husband as well. We both use humor as a way to avoid conflict, and sometimes that can come in handy. Bottom line, this can work-sometimes.
3. Don’t criticize. Ever.
Here is a fact: Whatever critical thing that you are about to say to your wife is already being loudly articulated in her head. And if it’s true, she already feels like crap about it. Assuming you married someone intelligent enough to like you and sane enough to let you put a ring on it, trust that they are self-aware enough to know when they screwed up. It may feel good to you in that moment to say the critical thing, let it go ringing through the air in all its sonorous correctness, but it will feel awful to hear it. The only, only way it’s beneficial to give your wife criticism of any kind is if you’re absolutely positive she is completely unaware. And you better find the nicest, kindest way possible to tell her. And even then, good luck convincing her. Their recognition of the thing you are helpfully trying to point out will be INHIBITED, not facilitated, by your criticism. And then you’re the ------. So be careful.
3. I do agree with this one. The right kind of criticism can be helpful, but it's so hard not to get defensive when something is being pointed out to you. So tread lightly if there's an area that just HAS to be addressed. Otherwise, don't do it!
4. Be the mirror.
Your husband is the mirror in which you see yourself. And the things you say to him give him an image of himself too, which he will believe. You want him to believe it, so make it good. Be a mirror that reflects something positive: you’re smart, you’re successful, you’re fantastic in the sack, you’re a great provider, you’re the best. Can you MAKE him any of these things just by telling him he is? I don’t know, but consider this: the alternative really stinks. The things my husband says to me are 1000 times more convincing than anyone else’s opinion on earth. Don’t think he won’t believe you because you’re married and you’re contractually obligated to say nice things. He’ll believe the -----, insulting things you say, and the gloriously positive things.
4. This one was really good. Men, especially will see themselves through the eyes of their wife. You don't need to syrupy sweet and make things up that aren't true, but if there's something that you really like about your man, tell him! Brag about him to others. He will work even harder to become a better man in that area of his life! This speaks to a basic need in a man's life and marriage: respect and ADMIRATION. Men need it!
5. Be proud and brag.
Let your spouse hear you talking about them in glowing terms to other people. Be foolish. Be obvious. It will mean everything. You will stay married forever.
5. Yes. Yes. Yes.
6. Do your own thing.
Dan races bicycles. I write books. I don’t race bicycles or have any desire to race bicycles. He doesn’t write books, nor does he even read the books that I write. Seriously. And I don’t care. My opinion is that he’s the fastest, coolest most awesome bike racer ever. His opinion is that I’m the bestest, coolest writer ever. We don’t have to know all about cycling or writing in order to form these opinions -- in fact knowledge of literature or actually reading my book might damage Dan’s opinion of me as “best writer since the dawn of time.” We can still support each other without being all up in the other person’s stuff. Doing your own thing, having your own friends, being completely insanely passionate about something that the other person has no idea, really, about, is awesome. It allows your spouse to be your cheerleader, uncomplicated by knowledge or personal investment. And it means you’ll always have stuff to talk about, because you’re not overlapping all the time. You don’t have to read the same books either. You don’t have to have the same friends.
6. This one is another "sort of agree with but not completely" idea. It's so important to have fun TOGETHER as a couple. Your interests will not be the same, but it's a chance to show your love to you spouse when you sit in a golf cart while he plays a round, or hang out in the garage with him. You know he hates cooking shows, but when he sits and watches one with you, it's a silent way for him to say I love you! However, everyone needs a break sometimes, and it's nice to get away and be with your girlfriends without expecting him to tag along. He may just need some space to be along and quiet one afternoon. But an all-encompassing hobby that you show no interest in and know nothing about? Not a great idea, in my opinion.
7. Have kids.
Kids stop you from being as crazy as you want to be. Because when you have kids, you can’t be that crazy.
7. Really?!? I hope they were joking about this one. Having kids to "stay married" is a terrible idea.
8. Get really good at sex.
You’ve got all the time in the world to get really really good, not just at sex in general, but at having sex with your one particular husband. You should make it your life’s mission to become the perfect sex machine exactly for him. And he for you. There is no reason to hold back, or be embarrassed, or not ask questions, and get everything working properly. There’s absolutely no excuse for letting years drag on without becoming fully skilled, gifted sex partners for each other. It makes everything so much better. Does talking about this make you uncomfortable? How uncomfortable would it make you to know that your spouse is secretly, silently “just okay” with your sexual performance? Yeah. You want to last fifteen years, remember? That’s a long time to be mildly happy.
8. A good sex life is important, yes. And who wants to be stuck in a rut for the rest of their life- no one! But making it "your life's mission"? That seems a bit much. Again, it's probably just for emphasis, to give the writer the benefit of the doubt. Sex isn't just about what feels good and how you like things- it's a time of intimacy together and complete openness and vulnerability with another human- the one God designed just for you! So work on improving it if you need to, but remember it's not just about what feels good at the moment.
9. Move.
Live in different houses. In different parts of the country. Travel. Make it so that you can look back and divide up your life into the years you spent in different cities, or different houses. If you’re feeling stuck geographically or physically, you can confuse yourself into thinking you’re stuck romantically. See your husband in different places, in different contexts, in different countries even. Try it. Take him to a mountaintop and give him another look. Pretty sexy. Take him to a new city and check out his profile. Along the same lines, don’t be afraid to change personally, or let your wife change as a person. Don’t worry about “growing apart.” Be brave and evolve. Become completely different. Don’t gather moss. Stagnation is unattractive.
9. This really doesn't take into account the leading of God's will in your life as a Christian. You don't need to move around the country every few years to keep your marriage fresh. That really seems like a bit of overkill to me! Do your best to grow- keep a list of resolutions or goals for your life. And travel, yes! I love to visit new places, but I don't have to live there! It's cliche, but "bloom where you're planted."
10. Stop thinking temporarily.
Marriage is not conditional. It is permanent. Your husband will be with you until you die. That is a given. It sounds obvious, but really making it a given is hard. You tend to think in “ifs” and “thens” even when you’ve publicly committed to forever. If he does this, I won’t tolerate it. If I do this, he’ll leave me. If I get fat. If I change jobs. If he says mean things. If he doesn’t pay more attention. It’s natural, especially in the beginning of your marriage, to keep those doubts in your head. But the sooner you can get go of the idea that marriage is temporary, and will end if certain awful conditions are met, the sooner you will let go of all kinds of conflict and stress. Yes, you may find yourself in a horrible situation where it’s absolutely necessary to get a divorce. But going into it with divorce in the back of your mind, even in the way way way back of your mind, is going to cause a lot of unnecessary angst. Accept that you’re going to stay with him. He’s going to stay with you. Inhabit that and figure out how to make THAT work, instead of living with the “what if”s and “in case of”s.
10. This is what your attitude should be before you ever walk down that aisle, if you are following God's will for your life and mate! If it's never even an option, you won't spend those days, months and years in angst. This has honestly never been a problem for us because it just isn't on the table. We're in it for the long haul- that's what those vows are about!
11. Do not put yourself in trouble’s way.
Leave your ex boyfriends and girlfriends alone. I’m sure you’re very trustworthy. Aren’t we all? The thing is, there’s absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because it’s fragile but because it’s precious. Don’t --- around with a “hall pass” or a “harmless flirtation.” Adultery isn’t an event, it’s a process with an event at the end. Don’t put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.
11. EXCELLENT!!! I just love the line "Adultery isn't an even, it's a process with an event at the end." No one goes into "harmless" flirtation with the thought that they are going to destroy their marriage. There is NO such thing as harmless flirting. This may lead to painful decisions about the friends you allow in your life, but what's more important- a friendship or your marriage? Protect it! Fight for it!
12. Make a husband pact with your friends.
The husband pact says this: I promise to listen to you complain about your husband even in the most dire terms, without it affecting my good opinion of him. I will agree with your harshest criticism, accept your gloomiest predictions. I will nod and furrow my brow and sigh when you describe him as a hideous ogre. Then when your fight is over and love shines again like a beautiful sunbeam in your life, I promise to forget everything you said and regard him as the most charming of princes once more. The husband pact is very useful because you want to be able to vent to your friend without having her actually start hating your husband. Because you don’t really mean all those things you say. And she, the swearer of the pact, knows this.
12. I'm sorry, but if you tell me something about your husband I will think of that exact thing the next time I see him. There's NO WAY you can't have an opinion of someone that never changes. You may say that you still respect they guy and think he's great, but there's no taking back what you've heard and has been planted in your mind. This is absolutely a mistake. Remember the whole thing about speaking to others about your husband in glowing terms? Bragging about him in public? Where does this even fit in to that idea? Take your complaints to the Lord-not your best friend. If you are seeking godly counsel about something specific, that's one thing. Venting over a latte? Bad idea. Don't stick your friends with the responsibility of maintaining a good image of your husband.
13. ----- to his mother, not yours.
This is one I did read somewhere in a magazine, and it’s totally true. His mother will forgive him. Yours never will. If you’re a man, ---- to your friends. They expect it.
13. Um, no. Keep your parents out of it (all of them). Duh. And, once again, your friends. This one just had me shaking my head.
14. Be loyal.
All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the team’s rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the team’s success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouse’s whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and some the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes it’s your turn. Sometimes she’s in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs, ultimately, don’t matter because the team endures.
14. Agree 100%!
15. Trust the person you married.
For two people who are trying to help each other, it can almost be harder to let the other person help you than it is to be the one who’s helping. It can be harder to let the other person deflect the fight than to be the one deflecting. It can be harder to believe that your husband is fully committed to a lifetime of marriage than to commit yourself. Harder to change yourself than to let the other person change. Harder to be loved than to love. Weird, but true. I’m saying this to everyone who’s newly married, and to myself: trust that person. Love them completely and let them love you. If it all goes to seed, it’s going to hurt either way. Better to have gone into it full throttle. Full throttle marriage is a thrilling ride
15. Trust? Yes. Blind, unwavering trust? Not so much. You need to keep your eyes open to the things affecting your spouse. What's going on in their life? There may be red flags coming up somewhere, and you need to ready to act, if necessary. That's where the healthy criticism, the fierce protection of your marriage, the "growing vs stagnant" marriage principle comes into play. Bottom line, trust your spouse, not the world around them. It's full of temptations and opportunities to fall in one way or another. Let them know that you've got their back. You trust them, but you don't trust the devil, so you're eyes and ears are open. Not to be their judge and jury, but a help meet! A teammate!
I hope this list is a help to you in your marriage. As I've gone through and thought about each one in depth, it's reminded me of things I need to keep working on every day. God designed a beautiful thing when he came up with marriage. Let yours be a reflection of His work and a picture of Jesus and His bride, the church.
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